Letting Go

So....I am coming off what has been an unintentional blogging hiatus to write this evening. I didn't mean to stop writing here...I just did. For a while, life got bigger than me and nothing I wrote was fit for public consumption. I don't have enough time left in this day or potentially in all the days of my life to go into it...and DON'T let your imaginations run wild either... but if you must, just see me on an amazing vacation where when I stepped outside I found absurd amounts of snow...laughing hysterically... because most of you already think I am a wee bit touched, cuckoo, off my rocker because of my love affair with winter and the white stuff. Suffice to say...I am fine over here...I'm just catching my second wind again. I do almost feel like I have stage fright though...more like I'm standing here naked... after wrestling with the idea it would be easier to keep moving in the silent direction... I realized no.can.do. I can't stay quiet for long...I don't think I'll be opening any flood gates just yet, however I really wanted to say hello.

Today...and if only for THE day...all my children... ALL of them... Miss Independent, The Hippie, Mamacita and Sonny were in the same place at the same time...talking, laughing, even joking around....just being together... no angst, no anger, and no animosity. Everything in my world felt right...and that feeling from today has poured over into this evening. I have a calm peace about me that has been absent for many, many days...I guess since Miss Independent moved out and got married. Oh yeah... some of you didn't know my oldest daughter got married a month ago, don't feel bad...her Dad missed it too... it happened so fast, we all nearly missed it.

Its taken me the better part of ALL.MY.LIFE to really understand that things just happen in which I have no control over. The past few weeks have been a challenging reminder that I am not in charge. I've always known this and I have been good to allow my life to simply flow... but every once in a while I get this notion that I am the senior partner...not a humble steward...sort big of me I know... one of the hardest lessons for me is letting go and letting God... isn't it the hardest lesson for most? After weeks of trying to work MY plan I finally acquiesced and I felt the calm and I also wondered TINA.WHAT.TOOK.YOU.SO.LONG? Things happen that I can't do anything about it...nothing will change it...no amount of personal sacrifice can turn the hands of time...no agonizing...no pleading...nothing. Life unfolds and if you're open to it...and if you're willing to acknowledge it... the plan is there and the outcome you ask...its already in motion.

Here's MY visual aid:

I ski.

I've been doing it for years.
I love it.
(Have we covered that here? The part about me loving snow & skiing?)

So, I have ran this exact run a hundred times,
see me over there by the trees?
On April 4, 20o9

I came down that exact line and went from skiing,

to this...

and down the hill in the sled with a broken leg and yes that's really my rescue thanks to Ed. Thanks Ed, I needed these pictures more than you'll ever know.

(Have we cover the broken leg here as well...have I beat that horse dead yet?)

Like many other times in my life I played THAT split second out in my mind, over and over and over. I just kept thinking how did THAT happen? Call me crazy, it just didn't seem plausible that I could get hurt doing something I love so much. (Subliminal message: or get hurt by someone I love so much.) Unfortunately, IT JUST HAPPENED. As a matter of fact, while I laid there waiting for the ski patrol to come get me and confirm that I would not be skiing down the rest of the way... I thanked God the light was low and I was not flying down that run as fast as I usually did... or I might have broken more than just my leg. I could have been all sorts of broken up or worse. When I realized there was nothing I could have done to stop it or change it and this season when I was able to ride over that exact spot that dropped me without fear...I got over it. Even though I didn't have the best come back year ever... God was good to even have me on my skis less then 8 months later. I did ski with a heightened sense of awareness...just a subtle reminder that I was not invincible, but I did ski... a lot.

Things happen that are out of our control and we either move on and move forward or we stay in a strange holding pattern like an airplane above the runway waiting for clearance to land. You can only circle for so long before you run out of fuel... over the years I've gotten closer than most to empty and taxied in on fumes... I'm just not feelin' that anymore. This morning, I was given a surprise gift from Tammy. A silver bracelet with The Serenity Prayer engraved all the way around it. Perfect inscription and perfect timing. Thanks Tammy.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.